NPD Narcissistic Personality Disorder- Myths and Facts.

I often hear in my counselling sessions with couples,  a person describing their partners behavior toward them as being selfish and uncaring.  Over the past couple of years, this has following with the comment " I am sure he/she is a narcissist."  Referring of course that their partner has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

In reality, NPD is not as common as the current overuse of this disorder, when referring to the arrogance and selfishness of their partner’s behaviors towards them. 

This is often followed by “but at times he can be so kind and loving, so I know he truly loves me”.  Therein the discrepancy occurs.

Albeit,  a person who does have a correct diagnosis of NPD unquestionable does have traits of arrogance and coldness, that go far beyond the self-centeredness of even a person diagnosed with Histrionic Personality Disorder HPD. But without the episodes of loving and affection behavior, or kindness.

So, let's look at the whys and how's of a person with a true and correct diagnosis of NPD.

Behaviorally: those with true NPD have impossibly high standards of perfectionism, and failures to them are intolerable, often met with flights of rage if criticised. Their own success and a lust for power leads them into a mindset of superiority allowing and showing a continual zero level compassion for the suffering of others. 

In fact, others are seen as inferior if they do not equal their wealth, power, and importance as a way to support their superior image.  The only connection or interest if another possesses these qualities, is by fierce competition, which is obsessive and anything but healthy.

Affectively: people with true NPD are often labile, but watch for the turn, if criticised.  The result of attempting to discuss their often-embarrassing behaviors towards others, is met not only with rage, but bouts of anxiety and panic and short periods of depression. 

When their needs are not met, they mask their rage and shame with a cool indifference.  The needs of others is not something they ever see as a priority.

Socially: people with true NPD have disturbed relationships. They continually expect favorable treatment and exploit others to achieve personal goals. 

Friendships are made only on the basis of how they can profit from the other person. Romantic partners are used as objects to bolster self-esteem. They are incapable of developing a relationship based on mutuality.

Cognitively:  people with true NPD are egotistical to the point of expecting to be treated and noticed as special whether or not they have achieved anything at all.  Paradoxically if these needs are not met, their feelings of specialness may alternate with feelings of special unworthiness. 

They are preoccupied with fantasies, of unlimited power, brilliance, beauty, and ideal love.  Deep within and peeling back the layers of this constant masking, is very low self-esteem. 

The intense fear of humiliation and fear of blame are the enmeshment of black and white thinking and the grassroots from a very harsh beginning. Nothing to do necessarily with poverty, but more so with harsh criticism of efforts made to accomplish things in life and accompanied with a relentless and zero acknowledgement of any achievements made in their life. 

SO, be mindful of the many differences the next time you feel you are married to a ""true Narcissist."

He or she maybe selfish at times, and doesn’t always put you first, but a true NPD, will never put your needs first.

If this doesn't clarify things for you, I have a great story about a Wife, a cat, a car, and a Husband. 

Susan Loane Clinical Psychotherapist,

Gold Coast Office.